A few weeks ago, one Friday night reminded me exactly why I walked away from traditional divorce litigation and dedicated my practice to helping families find a better way.
I had spent a wonderful evening with my wife and daughter at a children’s festival at our hometown library. We went out to dinner afterward, enjoyed some quality family time, and had one of those evenings that makes you appreciate the life you’re building and the people you love.
Then, around ten o’clock that night, I found myself sitting at my computer, deep into an email to a distressed client.
They were frustrated and angry. They felt like their spouse was winning everything, that they were losing, and they wanted to know why we weren’t fighting harder.
I understood their frustration. They received an e-mail from me on a Friday afternoon forwarding a letter that I had received as their spouse’s “offer.” Rightfully so, they didn’t like the offer, which is why I warned them that I didn’t agree with their analysis. Yet, when your marriage is ending, the uncertainty surrounding your finances, your children, your home, and your future can make every communication feel like a threat. When you’re afraid of losing the life you’ve worked so hard to build, the rug is being pulled out from underneath you in every direction, and your future hangs in the balance, in the hands of lawyers and a judge. Understandably, it’s natural to want someone in your corner fighting to protect you.
But here’s the problem.
What had actually happened?
We had received a letter proposing terms to settle the case. No judge had ruled. No agreement had been reached. Nothing had been decided.
Yet my client experienced that letter as though he had already lost. The words on that page weren’t the starting point of a negotiation; he perceived them as a conclusion affecting his future, his finances, and his ability to maintain the lifestyle he had grown accustomed to.
That gap between what actually happened and what it felt like is where so much unnecessary conflict begins. And after nearly two decades practicing family law, I can tell you that this is one of the most frustrating, expensive, and destructive aspects of the traditional adversarial divorce process.
When a Divorce Demand Feels Like a Defeat
A demand from your spouse’s attorney is a negotiating position. It does not determine the outcome of your divorce.
Unfortunately, that distinction can be difficult to remember when you’re scared, angry, and uncertain about your future.
You read what the other side wants and immediately imagine the worst possible outcome. You begin questioning whether your attorney understands what’s at stake and whether they’re doing enough to protect you.
You want your attorney to respond immediately, reject every unreasonable demand, and send a letter that makes it abundantly clear that you’re not going to be pushed around. Preferably, one that hits back even harder.
Meanwhile, your spouse may be sitting in their attorney’s office having the exact same conversation.
So the cycle continues: Client to attorney. Attorney to attorney. Attorney back to client. Another explanation. Another reaction. Another letter.
Everyone is communicating, posturing, and throwing their weight around in letters, but very little understanding, cooperation, or meaningful progress is taking place.
And here’s the kicker: Every one of those conversations, emails, letters, and phone calls may be costing your family hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in attorneys’ fees.
Meanwhile, the questions that could actually move the case forward get buried beneath the anger and emotion.
What are we really disagreeing about? What information do we need to make an informed decision? What does the law actually support? What is each person trying to accomplish? And perhaps most importantly, what is each person afraid of losing?
Instead, the conversation becomes focused on one question: Who’s winning?
Your Divorce Is Not a Competition
One of the greatest misconceptions people have about divorce is that there must be a winner and a loser.
We’ve been conditioned to believe that when two people disagree, someone must be right and someone must be wrong. The traditional litigation process reinforces this mentality by placing spouses on opposing sides of a courtroom, each represented by an attorney whose job is to advocate for their client’s position.
Unfortunately, this adversarial approach often makes people more focused on defeating their spouse than finding a reasonable solution.
An aggressive proposal invites an aggressive response. A reasonable compromise begins to feel like surrender. People who once loved each other and could easily make important decisions that mutually benefited their family become afraid to say anything to each other without their attorney speaking on their behalf, let alone having a reasonably discussion to fairly resolve their own problems and compromise.
What starts as a disagreement over how to divide assets, establish a parenting schedule, or calculate financial support can quickly turn into a full-blown war between a married couple. Far too often, I watched clients become so consumed by anger, resentment, and the need to be right that they lost sight of what actually mattered.
They spent thousands of dollars fighting over issues that could have been resolved through a simple conversation. They became obsessed with proving their spouse was wrong, exposing their dishonesty, and getting the last word. And in most cases, even when they technically won the argument, they lost far more in attorney’s fees, emotional well-being, and damaged relationships than they ever stood to gain.
I used to remind my clients that winning an argument doesn’t necessarily mean you’re getting a good outcome, and in the end it may cost much more.
Think about that for a moment.
If you spend $10,000 in attorney’s fees fighting over $5,000, did you really win?
If you successfully convince a judge that your spouse is unreasonable or being dishonest, but destroy your ability to communicate and co-parent your children in the process, was it worth it?
And if your divorce drags on for years, draining your savings and preventing you from moving forward with your life, what exactly have you accomplished?
The goal of your divorce shouldn’t be to win every argument.
It should be to resolve your marriage in a way that protects your financial future, preserves your dignity, minimizes the damage to your family, and allows you to move forward with your life.
Why Litigated Divorce Can Cost So Much More Than Money
In my experience, some of the greatest damage caused by traditional divorce litigation isn’t necessarily the result of the legal issues themselves, but rather the way the adversarial process teaches people to treat each other.
Three patterns concern me most.
1. Conflict Creates More Work, and More Work Creates More Attorney’s Fees
Every disputed issue can generate phone calls, correspondence, document review, legal research, petitions being filed, negotiations, preparation, and court appearances.
Unfortunately, in a profession where most attorneys bill by the hour, the financial incentives aren’t for the attorney to resolve disagreements as quickly and efficiently as possible.
In my book, Life Happens. Are You Ready?, I write:
“Attorneys bill by the hour and can be incentivized to create conflict because the more time they spend addressing your problems and disagreements, the more money they make. During my career as a litigator, I saw this trend get worse year after year.”
— Chapter 14, “Choosing Your Attorney,” p. 242
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of wonderful attorneys who genuinely care about their clients and work tirelessly to resolve their cases as quickly and cost-effectively as possible. But the reality is that the traditional adversarial process rewards conflict and incentivizes attorneys financially, even when the married couple never intends for it to happen.
Every unnecessary argument, accusatory email, and demand for an immediate response generates additional work and expense. Families can spend thousands of dollars arguing about their future, only to discover that they’ve spent the very money they needed to build it fighting amongst themselves.
2. The Best Possible Outcome Becomes the Only Acceptable Outcome
Another problem I’ve encountered countless times is that people begin confusing their best possible result in a case with what they are entitled to. When someone hears about the best possible result, it can quickly become their expectation. The legal uncertainties, weaknesses in their case, financial costs, and emotional consequences of pursuing that outcome are easily forgotten.
Then, when their attorney explains that compromise may be necessary or that the law doesn’t necessarily support their position, they feel as though they’re losing.
This is where having a good attorney makes all the difference.
Your attorney shouldn’t simply tell you what you want to hear or promise to fight for every last dollar. They should educate you on the law, explain the strengths and weaknesses of your position, identify the potential risks, and help you make informed decisions about what is truly in your best interests.
Sometimes that means standing firm. Sometimes it means compromising. And sometimes it means recognizing that you’re fighting over something that simply isn’t worth the time, money, or emotional energy.
3. The Hostility Can Last Much Longer Than Your Divorce
If you have children, your relationship with your spouse doesn’t simply end when your divorce is finalized.
You’ll likely be making decisions together for many years to come. There will be school events, birthday parties, holidays, graduations, weddings, and eventually grandchildren. So, before you rush to judgment and react to the latest letter, please think about the impact that years of fighting, accusations, hostility, and resentment can have on your children and your ability to maintain a healthy relationship as co-parents.
I’ve watched families spend years fighting in court, only to emerge financially depleted, emotionally exhausted, and unable to communicate. And the saddest part is that, in many cases, the damage to their relationships was far greater than the legal issues that brought them to court in the first place.
Your divorce will eventually end. But how you handle the process and conduct yourself will have consequences that last a lifetime.
There Is a Better Way: Collaborative Divorce
After years of working within the traditional court system, I eventually reached a point where I could no longer justify participating in a process that so often made people’s lives worse instead of better.
I represented many wonderful people going through some of the most difficult moments of their lives. I fought hard for my clients and achieved favorable outcomes in court. Yet, even when we won, I often watched families walk away feeling as though they had lost because of the financial, emotional, and psychological toll the process had taken on them.
That’s why I made the decision to stop litigating divorce cases and dedicate my practice to helping families resolve their differences through healthier alternatives, including mediation and Collaborative Divorce.
Collaborative Divorce is fundamentally different from traditional litigation.
Each spouse has their own attorney, but instead of preparing to fight each other in court, everyone commits to working together in a structured process designed to reach an agreement outside the courtroom. Financial professionals, divorce coaches, and child specialists can use their expertise to help the family work through difficult issues.
In Illinois, the process begins with a signed participation agreement and is voluntary. A court cannot force someone to participate over their objection. See the Illinois Collaborative Process Act, Section 20.
For me, the most important difference is how we communicate. Instead of trading petitions, letters, and demands back and forth between the attorneys, spouses and their lawyers sit down together to discuss the issues, identify their concerns, generate mutually beneficial options, and work toward practical solutions.
Both people hear the explanations, everyone’s viewpoint, and each attorney’s analysis of the law. Both have the opportunity to ask questions. Both understand what’s being discussed and why.
As I explain in my book:
“All negotiations take place in meetings that are focused on modeling healthy dispute resolution. The professionals (attorneys and experts) help prepare the couple for team meetings.”
— Chapter 12, “Weighing Your Legal Options for Divorce,” p. 214
Think back to that late Friday night email I was writing.
Instead of my client upending their night based on speculation, resulting in hours of e-mails and explanation, followed by another letter to the opposing attorney, who would then have to speak with their client before responding, and the circular communication going round and round; imagine if everyone simply sat down and had a productive conversation.
We could examine the proposal, explain the legal issues, identify why we disagreed, and ask what concerns were driving each person’s position.
Was someone worried about keeping their home? Paying their monthly expenses? Maintaining financial security? Spending enough time with their children?
By understanding why someone is making a demand, we can often identify a solution that addresses their actual concerns without unnecessarily compromising the other person’s interests.
Understanding someone’s position doesn’t mean you agree with them or have to accept their demands. It simply gives everyone something productive to work toward and a roadmap to what they really want.
Those conversations can be uncomfortable. But they also create opportunities to resolve disagreements and misunderstandings in a mutually beneficial way before families spend weeks, months, and thousands of dollars fighting over them.
Collaborative Divorce isn’t appropriate for everyone. It requires both parties to participate honestly, transparently, and in good faith, and it cannot guarantee any particular timeline, price, or outcome. If the process breaks down, the collaborative attorneys must withdraw before contested litigation can proceed, potentially creating additional expense and delay.
In the case that required a Friday night email, my client originally wanted to enter into the Collaborative Process, but their spouse had already retained a traditional divorce attorney. We’ve gotten along, everything has stayed out of court, there is no petition pending, and everything is moving forward in a very civil manner. But for my client, it doesn’t feel that way. They haven’t had a meaningful conversation with their spouse in months, and everything has to “go through the lawyers.” It’s common and I’ve come to grips why I left that practice because it isn’t healthy for my clients. It’s tense, their anxious, worried about the unknown and consistently assuming the worst. For me, I’d prefer to sit down at a table and have an uncomfortable conversation to resolve problems in a mutually beneficial and informed manner.
On the other side of the fence, there are definitely circumstances where court intervention is necessary. Particularly when safety concerns, coercion, concealed information, or an unwillingness to negotiate in good faith prevent meaningful participation. Simply put, some families need court protection. Illinois law expressly preserves the ability to seek emergency protection during the collaborative process. See Section 30 of the Illinois Collaborative Process Act.
But for families who are willing to sit down at a table with their attorneys and negotiate in good faith, Collaborative Divorce provides an opportunity to maintain control over their future, preserve their financial resources, protect their children, and end their marriage with dignity and respect.
What Do You Really Want Your Divorce Attorney to Help You Protect?
I understand why people ask whether their attorney will fight for them.
When you’re facing the possibility of losing your home, your financial security, or time with your children, you want to know that someone is standing beside you, protecting your interests, and doing everything possible to prevent the worst-case scenario.
And you absolutely deserve that. But you also deserve an attorney who is willing to ask you some difficult questions and help you face the reality of your circumstances, instead of merely tell you what you want to hear, when they know that isn’t the likely result.
Instead, they should help you determine what a successful divorce actually looks like for you. What are you trying to accomplish? What will pursuing this disagreement cost you, financially and emotionally? And how will the decisions you’re making today affect your children and the life you’re going to live after your divorce?
Most importantly, is the next step actually moving you closer to the outcome you want, or is it simply prolonging the fight?
That Friday night, I had just spent a wonderful evening with the people who matter most to me. We had enjoyed a festival, gone out to dinner, and made another beautiful memory together as a family.
Then I came home and spent the next hour and a half trying to explain to someone whose own family life was falling apart why we weren’t losing simply because the other side had made unreasonable demands.
The contrast wasn’t lost on me. It reminded me of the countless nights, weekends, holidays, and family events I spent dealing with other people’s conflicts during my years as a divorce litigator. And it reminded me why I decided to change the direction of my career.
Behind every divorce file are real people, real families, and often children whose lives will be profoundly affected by the decisions their parents make during this process. These aren’t simply legal disputes involving money, property, and parenting schedules. They’re families trying to navigate one of the most difficult transitions of their lives.
What I’ve come to realize is that during this delicate process, people simply want to feel heard and understood. They want financial security. They want to protect their children. They want to feel safe and put their heads on the pillow at night without worrying about their future, the next threatening email or court date. And ultimately, they want to be able to move forward and imagine a happy, fulfilling future again.
Our job as attorneys should be to help them get there, not make the journey more difficult, expensive, and destructive than it needs to be.
That’s why I believe the measure of a successful divorce shouldn’t be how many arguments you won, how many motions you filed, or how badly you defeated your spouse. It should be whether you and your family emerge from the process in a position to build a better future and maintain your dignity and decency along the way.
Your marriage may be ending, but your life isn’t over.
You still have a future worth protecting.
If you, or anyone you know, may be facing the prospect of divorce and exploring your options in the Chicagoland area, you can learn more about your divorce options and how Family, Wealth & Legacy Legal Solutions (FWLLS) can help . If you’d like to schedule a free introductory strategy call l with our office, we would be happy to help you make the right decision for your family’s future.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
What is the main difference between litigated divorce and Collaborative Divorce?
In traditional litigation, spouses take opposing positions in court, trading legal letters, petitions, and demands through attorneys until a judge ultimately dictates the outcome. In Collaborative Divorce, both parties and their attorneys sit down together in structured meetings to communicate directly, identify concerns, and work toward practical solutions outside of court.
Why does traditional divorce litigation cost so much money?
Litigation naturally creates more work through correspondence, document reviews, legal research, petitions, and court appearances. Because most family law attorneys bill by the hour, the adversarial process creates financial incentives that reward conflict and generate additional billable time—even when couples don’t intend for it to happen.
Does receiving an unreasonable demand from my spouse mean that I’m going to have to agree, or that I will lose in court if I push back?
No. A demand from your spouse’s attorney is simply a negotiating position, not a final court ruling or conclusion. Feeling defeated by a demand creates an emotional gap that often leads to aggressive counter-responses, unnecessary legal battles, and thousands of dollars in wasted attorney’s fees. The law is the law, and if necessary, a Judge can apply the law in a fair and equitable manner following a hearing.
Can a judge force us to use Collaborative Divorce in Illinois?
No. Under Section 20 of the Illinois Collaborative Process Act, Collaborative Divorce is entirely voluntary and requires a signed participation agreement from both spouses. Furthermore, court intervention remains available under Section 30 for emergency protection or cases involving safety concerns, coercion, or concealed information.
What happens if the Collaborative Divorce process breaks down?
If either spouse withdraws or negotiations break down, both collaborative attorneys are required to withdraw from the case. The parties must then hire new trial counsel to take their case to court, which can create additional expense and delay.
Michael Biederstadt is the founder of Family, Wealth & Legacy Legal Solutions in Oak Brook, Illinois. After nearly two decades practicing family law litigation, Michael transitioned his practice to estate planning, mediation, and Collaborative Divorce, with a mission to help families stay out of court, avoid unnecessary conflict, and protect their family, wealth, and legacy.
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